Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Opting Out

I don't want it. Stop asking me to opt out. Change your default to ask me to opt in. Better yet, don't even ask; I still won't want it. If I did, I'd come to you.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Vox Machina

I don't listen to computer-generated voices. Your interactive voice response system is just wasting your cycles and mine.

No, really, I don't listen to them. If you want me to pay attention, put a human on the phone.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Upside-Down Ice Cream Cake

I love your ingenuity in using temperature variations to create an upside-down ice cream cake that looks like a funnel, but I'd rather not have to clean the freezer again.

Put the lid on tightly.

Put the container in the freezer with the lid side facing up. That's called the top of the container. The opposite side, called the bottom, is what faces down.

Oh, and down is in the direction of your feet.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Using the Maximum Strength Glue on the Price Tag

I see you're worried that someone might accidentally swap the tag on this over-priced good for one not as over-priced.

But now I've bought it, and there's this sticky spot on my cocktail glasses that makes it look like I shop at the dollar store.

Did I mention it's sticky?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Less Than Absorbent Towels

Towels have a purpose: to dry things. If the towel doesn't absorb liquids, I might as well just use it to wipe my ass.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Consuming Mass Quantities

Was there a reason we have six containers of Philadelphia Low-Fat Cream Cheese with Chives?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Don't Even Bother

Admit that you are unable to load a dishwasher without pissing me off, and just leave the dishes neatly stacked on the counter.

No, not in the sink: on the counter.

Oh, come on, just stack them. Didn't your parents buy you any stacking toys when you were a child?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Closing the Lid

Due to height limits on the refrigerator shelves, it is acceptable to store containers of liquids on their side -- provided that the lid is completely sealed.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Parking in the Path of Least Resistance

Parking your bike right in front of the door, and dropping your bags right inside the door are not acceptable, and constitute a hazard to your health -- as soon as I can figure out which one of you did it.