Monday, August 30, 2010

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Presents from the Puppies

I do realize that helping the Guiding Eyes for the Blind by fostering some puppies is doing good for the world, but could somebody please clean up after them before I step in it?

Admit Your Mistakes

OK, who put the broken coffee cup away without washing it?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Opting Out

I don't want it. Stop asking me to opt out. Change your default to ask me to opt in. Better yet, don't even ask; I still won't want it. If I did, I'd come to you.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Vox Machina

I don't listen to computer-generated voices. Your interactive voice response system is just wasting your cycles and mine.

No, really, I don't listen to them. If you want me to pay attention, put a human on the phone.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Upside-Down Ice Cream Cake

I love your ingenuity in using temperature variations to create an upside-down ice cream cake that looks like a funnel, but I'd rather not have to clean the freezer again.

Put the lid on tightly.

Put the container in the freezer with the lid side facing up. That's called the top of the container. The opposite side, called the bottom, is what faces down.

Oh, and down is in the direction of your feet.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Using the Maximum Strength Glue on the Price Tag

I see you're worried that someone might accidentally swap the tag on this over-priced good for one not as over-priced.

But now I've bought it, and there's this sticky spot on my cocktail glasses that makes it look like I shop at the dollar store.

Did I mention it's sticky?

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Less Than Absorbent Towels

Towels have a purpose: to dry things. If the towel doesn't absorb liquids, I might as well just use it to wipe my ass.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Consuming Mass Quantities

Was there a reason we have six containers of Philadelphia Low-Fat Cream Cheese with Chives?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Don't Even Bother

Admit that you are unable to load a dishwasher without pissing me off, and just leave the dishes neatly stacked on the counter.

No, not in the sink: on the counter.

Oh, come on, just stack them. Didn't your parents buy you any stacking toys when you were a child?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Closing the Lid

Due to height limits on the refrigerator shelves, it is acceptable to store containers of liquids on their side -- provided that the lid is completely sealed.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Parking in the Path of Least Resistance

Parking your bike right in front of the door, and dropping your bags right inside the door are not acceptable, and constitute a hazard to your health -- as soon as I can figure out which one of you did it.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

E-Mail from the Future

Holy crap, Microsoft, have you never heard of anyone exchanging e-mails with someone in another [multiple expletives] time zone?

Was it just OH SO DIFFICULT to record the time zone in the e-mail headers?

I can see that your research budget isn't helping to resolve any real problems.

Sent: Wednesday, May 26, 2010 3:16 AM

Sent: Wednesday, May 26, 2010 12:07 PM

Sent: Wednesday, May 26, 2010 9:26 AM

Sent: Tuesday, May 25, 2010 8:47 PM

Sent: Wednesday, May 26, 2010 9:10 AM

Thursday, May 20, 2010


There's something I should be doing now, but I don't want to do it, and would very much rather do something else.

But eventually I'll do the thing I should, perhaps a bit later than others desire.

Not right now, dear, I'm updating my blog.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Friday, May 14, 2010

Over-Sized Utensils

I'm not a giant. The teaspoon should hold a teaspoon measure, not a tablespoon's; and the tablespoon should hold a tablespoon measure, not four of them.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Sticky, Damp Floors

I forgot to close the windows last night, and it rained. The house is humid, and the floors are at once sticky and damp.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Spills Left to Stand

The spill itself is not so bad. But leaving it on the floor, and forgetting to tell anyone about it, so that it soaks into the wood, the carpet, and my socks? That's not good at all.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Taking the Hard Way Out

Oh Outlook, you provide such fertile ground for hate.

It was so much easier to throw up a modal dialog box then to simply close the window wasn't it?

Friday, April 9, 2010

Emptying the Bottle of Shampoo

I understand that you're three, and like bubbles, but did you really need to dump the whole bottle of shampoo in the tub?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Entering a House Without Announcing Your Presence

Are y'all from a family of thieves that you don't shout out "Hello" when you enter an unlocked home, or just rude?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Sliding Patio Doors

Sliding doors are an efficient use of space. They do not extend into the room, or require that the space outside the door be empty. They work quite well on the U.S.S. Enterprise, where the computer opens them for Captain Kirk and they never get in his way. You can even open them just a crack to let in bugs and fresh air.

But when you're carrying a tray of raw meats out to the grill, the last thing you want to contend with is balancing that tray on one hand while exerting sufficient force perpendicular to your direction of movement to open the door.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Tim McCarver

Yet another tough sports call. Who is doing more to destroy broadcast baseball: Joe Buck or Tim McCarver?

Friday, April 2, 2010


Litterbugs are assholes: both are known for the shit they leave behind.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Rube Goldberg's Software

Was this overly complex design really necessary? Or did you just think that introducing abstraction qua abstraction would eliminate inefficiencies just by being abstract?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Leftover Time on the Microwave

Couldn't wait for the microwave to finish the last 2 seconds, could you? Had to open the door before the timer went off, didn't you?


I can live with that.

But leaving those seconds left on the timer, when you could clear them? That drives me nuts.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

Whoever named Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder was either being witty or obtuse, as it is an attempt to restore order to the world.

Friday, March 26, 2010


Socially speaking, it's just fine and dandy, and a great way to reconnect with those people you've not spoken to in years.

Technically, it's a steaming pile of dog turds.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Recurrent Windows Notification Pop-Ups

a sample notification pop-up. This one reads: A new program is available that will begin installation in 10 hours 40 minutes.

One minute later: "A new program is available that will begin installation in 10 hours 39 minutes."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Expectation that Electronic Mail is a Real-Time Communications Medium

Let me get this straight.

Instead of simply calling me about this urgent request, you had to fax it, e-mail it, send me an instant message, and post an update on my Facebook wall. And then you had the nerve to call me to see if I had finished it yet?

Guess what: I just moved your e-mail to the bottom of the pile. I'll get to it when I can.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Outlook Calendar

It's not quite fair to devote an entire category of complaints to products made by Microsoft, so I won't, but they are SO ANNOYING. Nor would it be correct to lump all of the products or features into a single post, since they are SO ANNOYING in such specific ways.

I have trouble referring to Microsoft Outlook as anything but Ouchlook. This moment's annoyance is a peculiar feature of the Ouchlook calendar:

Click on "day" to view a single day. It shows Monday. WTF? I don't want to see Monday, I want to see today.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Fog Lights

Let me guess: No one ever told you the reason they are called fog lights.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Braking in the Curve

If you can't take the curves, get out of my lane.

(By the way, here's a hint: follow the line in the direction you're turning. That is, if you're turning left, keep your eye on the line to your left, and vice versa.)

Friday, March 19, 2010

Overly Familiar Bulk Mail

William --

I wanted to take a moment to thank you directly for the outstanding work you've been doing as part of Organizing for America's Final March for Reform. I can tell you that your voice is heard in Washington every day. I see how your efforts are moving us toward victory.


Thank you for making it possible,

President Barack Obama

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Inappropriate Toilet Usage

The toilet is for waste matter, in liquid or solid form, resulting from consumption of food and beverages. Other liquids, such as water, may be disposed of in the toilet if they will not harm the septic or sewer systems.

It is not for Popsicle sticks, Legos, golfballs, baseballs, small furry animals*, G. I. Joe, dust bunnies, or the giant pile of hair recently pulled from your brush.

* goldfish are permitted

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Falling Asleep on the Couch

I will be working late -- perhaps reading e-mail or documentation, or writing scripts. I'll be in my accustomed spot on the right side of the couch with the laptop warming my lap. Perhaps I might even be making progress. Then as soon as I have to wait for longer than 30 seconds, I fall fast asleep.

Because I was working late, on the couch, when I should have stopped hours ago and gone to bed.

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Sound of the Fan in My Laptop

I can hear you!

The fan is louder than my dishwasher, than my refrigerator, than the incessant hum from the cathode-ray tube in the television set -- and almost louder than my children.

Sunday, March 14, 2010


Daylight Saving Time does nothing of the sort.

Note: This post was scheduled to be published at the change of the clock. Blogger says,
Because of a daylight savings time shift on the date entered, the time entered does not exist.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Leaky Faucets

You left the bathroom water dripping Sylvia
Into the sink it's drip, drip, dripping Sylvia
It's so annoying all that dripping Sylvia
Go turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

The bathroom sink is overflowing Sylvia
Because the dripping keeps on going Sylvia
It will not stop the drip and drop we'll need a mop
Go turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

Oh Sylvia the situation's such a pain
The water keeps on dripping and the problem here is very plain
The drops won't all fit down the drain

The house is getting irrigated Sylvia
And I am getting irritated Sylvia
I see it pour down on the floor and out the door
Go turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

The water's running down the street oh Sylvia
It's soaking everybody's feet oh Sylvia
The mess you're making is complete so Sylvia
Go turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

The city's flooded it's all wet dear Sylvia
The citizen's are quite upset here Sylvia
The future's grim our chances slim we'll have to swim,
Please turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

Oh Sylvia the situation's looking dark
The water keeps on dripping our new next door neighbor is a shark
We better call up Noah's ark

The whole wide world is underwater Sylvia
I just ran into Neptune's daughter Sylvia
And all the fish go splash and splish I really wish
You'd turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

Lyrics: Richard Perlmutter
Music: Pizzicato from the Ballet Sylvia by Delibes
© 2002 Radio Play Music, ASCAP

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Wet Sponges in the Sink

That cold, wet sponge lying in the sink harbors bacteria. Not only do I have to pick it up, and squeeze it out, but do you really want me to wash the dishes with it?

Having to Clear the Table Before Setting It

Couldn't do that after the meal was over, eh?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Unread Message Counts

Yes, I know I haven't read it all. No, I'm not going to get to it this week. I probably won't get to it NEXT YEAR. Have you seen the giant pile of books next to my bed?

Seriously, I don't need the computer telling me that I haven't read 90% of the Internet. Just get rid of the unread count. Thanks.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Friday, March 5, 2010

Missing Basic Research Skills

Perhaps the libraries should teach people how to use dig, whois, ping, traceroute, and Google in addition to showing them how to find things in the card catalog.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Shared Printers

Don't just leave the printed output on the table next to the printer, jackass: Put it with the rest of my printouts. And if you're going to bother using the sorter on the wall, take a few seconds more to actually sort it.

Didn't you guys learn how to sort in kindergarten?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Mixing Waste and Recyclables

You're thinking, "Aw, that's sweet; he cares about the environment."

No, I just can't stand picking trash out of the box of recyclables. Not only do my hands get dirty, but it takes longer to put the trash out.

Just put the trash in the trash can, and not the recycling bin.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Predicting the Future

"When will you have it done?"

It will be done when it's done.


Later. Stop asking me.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Using the Top of the Clothes Dryer for Storage

While I have a penchant for covering every horizontal surface with piles, some surfaces have specific roles. The space next to the sink, for example, is for dishes. The space on top of the dryer is for folding the clean clothes.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Tags Sticking out of the Pillowcase

There's no cozier feeling than crawling into bed, laying your head on the pillow, and scratching your eye on the tag.

Is it that hard to put the tag end in the pillowcase first?

Foreign Objects in My Ears

Perhaps I need to have border gate on my ears to keep out the foreign objects.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I'm [insert name], and Windows 7 was my idea

Dear Microsoft Marketing Department:

You do realize how insulting it is to learn that Microsoft listened to That Person when we have ALL been telling you for YEARS that your operating systems suck, especially when they got a free vacation and we didn't.

Just thought you'd like to know that you're turning up the hate a notch.

Best regards,

Monday, February 22, 2010

Der Blinken Polizei Lights

I'm blinded! Where's the road? crash

Some underwriter needs to compare fatalities due to rubber-necking before the use of L.E.D. lights on police cars with those after.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Trash in the Sink

I expect to have to clean a small bit of food from the bottom of the sink after the water drains, but paper napkins? Full plates of food? Old magazines? Is the garbage can not right next to the sink?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Stuff in My Drink

I'm not done with that cup! Was it really necessary to put that sliver of paper, hair, and floor lint in my drink? You couldn't just put it in the trash?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ripped Wrapping Paper

My grandfather cut the tape on his presents with his pocket knife. I use the edge of my thumbnail. Ripping it? Out of the question.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


There's nothing wrong with spam that judicious use of thermonuclear weapons couldn't cure.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Fitted Sheets

Fitted sheets are horrible to fold, but don't slide off the corners of the bed. As long as they are on the bed, they are fine; but if they don't even stay on the corners, what's the point?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Narrow Hallways

It's not that they're a tight fit, but that I have to change my stride and twist sideways.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Was it necessary to leave the cap off? To spit huge chunks of toothpaste into the sink and not rinse them out? To squeeze the tube from the middle? And then to let the paste drip slowly onto the counter where it could harden into a multi-colored rock?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Interactive Voice Response Systems

No, I don't want to talk to any of your God damned computers. Get me a real fucking person.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Brown Playdoh

It didn't start out brown; it only became brown after you squished all the colors together.

I suppose now you'll be wanting some red and white so you can make pink.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Failure to Sort the Utensils

The knives go in the knife slot. The teaspoons go in the teaspoon slot. The tablespoons go in the tablespoon slot. The dinner forks go in the dinner fork slot. Guess where the salad forks go.

Monday, February 1, 2010

When The Light Switch is Up but the Lights are Off

The switch is up (or depressed); the circuit is closed; the lights are on.

The switch is down (or out); the circuit is open; the lights are off.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

People Who Don't Cite Their Sources

Dear Ezra Klein,

It took me two seconds to find the original source of that excellent comic you re-posted on the 25th instant. I see that you cited your immediate source, but was it so difficult to click on Mr. Bartlett's link to the original and use it?

Do you exhibit the same quality and attention to detail in your other work as well?

Best regards,

William Cox

Puddles in the House

It's snowing out. You've got snow on your shoes. Take your shoes off as soon as you come inside, and put them neatly against the wall. Then take the mop or a towel and clean up that mess.

What? You like walking around in wet socks?

Puddles in the House

Walk the dogs! Now!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Those Dancing Robot Football Players

This is a tough call. Should we use dull razor blades or spoons to eviscerate the person who thought those stupid dancing robots were a good idea?

Joe Buck

How is this man employed? And who at Fox do we need to have killed?

Friday, January 22, 2010


Paper, considered as a material whereof to make money, has none of the requisite qualities in it. It is too plentiful, and too easily come at. It can be had anywhere, and for a trifle.

If we are to make money of the leaves of trees, why let only a few have that power? Perhaps we can just use the leaves of trees.


Did you really need to use so much maple syrup? Your pancakes are swimming in it! And it's all over the backs of the chairs and the table! Gah! How did you manage to do that?!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Improperly Banked Curves

When the curve goes this way, bank it this way, not that way. And you call yourself an engineer?

Monday, January 18, 2010

Leaving Dishes in the Sink

Please place the unwashed dishes neatly in stacks alongside the sink, not in it. Dishes permissible in the sink are large pots, which themselves can substitute for the sink when washing.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Friday, January 15, 2010

Jumbled Pots and Pans

The small pot goes inside the medium pot which goes inside the large pot. The frying pans stack the same way. Why is the large, steel frying pan in between the small and medium cast iron pans?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Drawers That Don't Close

Don't keep shoving the drawer closed. There's a reason it's not closing; find it, put the misplaced item back, and stop over-loading the drawer.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Sentence fragments
Plastic dishes on the bottom rack of the dishwasher

Stepping in puddles inside the house

The water stays in the tub! Here's a towel; dry off before you step out of the shower.
Turn off the lights when you leave the room.
If you open the door, close it.
Unstacked measuring cups


I'm peevish. These are things which annoy me. At the end of the year, the list should contain no fewer than 365 entries. In this, the best of all possible worlds, at least one thing will piss me off each day.