Sunday, February 28, 2010

Using the Top of the Clothes Dryer for Storage

While I have a penchant for covering every horizontal surface with piles, some surfaces have specific roles. The space next to the sink, for example, is for dishes. The space on top of the dryer is for folding the clean clothes.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Tags Sticking out of the Pillowcase

There's no cozier feeling than crawling into bed, laying your head on the pillow, and scratching your eye on the tag.

Is it that hard to put the tag end in the pillowcase first?

Foreign Objects in My Ears

Perhaps I need to have border gate on my ears to keep out the foreign objects.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I'm [insert name], and Windows 7 was my idea

Dear Microsoft Marketing Department:

You do realize how insulting it is to learn that Microsoft listened to That Person when we have ALL been telling you for YEARS that your operating systems suck, especially when they got a free vacation and we didn't.

Just thought you'd like to know that you're turning up the hate a notch.

Best regards,

Monday, February 22, 2010

Der Blinken Polizei Lights

I'm blinded! Where's the road? crash

Some underwriter needs to compare fatalities due to rubber-necking before the use of L.E.D. lights on police cars with those after.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Trash in the Sink

I expect to have to clean a small bit of food from the bottom of the sink after the water drains, but paper napkins? Full plates of food? Old magazines? Is the garbage can not right next to the sink?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Stuff in My Drink

I'm not done with that cup! Was it really necessary to put that sliver of paper, hair, and floor lint in my drink? You couldn't just put it in the trash?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ripped Wrapping Paper

My grandfather cut the tape on his presents with his pocket knife. I use the edge of my thumbnail. Ripping it? Out of the question.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


There's nothing wrong with spam that judicious use of thermonuclear weapons couldn't cure.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Fitted Sheets

Fitted sheets are horrible to fold, but don't slide off the corners of the bed. As long as they are on the bed, they are fine; but if they don't even stay on the corners, what's the point?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Narrow Hallways

It's not that they're a tight fit, but that I have to change my stride and twist sideways.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Was it necessary to leave the cap off? To spit huge chunks of toothpaste into the sink and not rinse them out? To squeeze the tube from the middle? And then to let the paste drip slowly onto the counter where it could harden into a multi-colored rock?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Interactive Voice Response Systems

No, I don't want to talk to any of your God damned computers. Get me a real fucking person.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Brown Playdoh

It didn't start out brown; it only became brown after you squished all the colors together.

I suppose now you'll be wanting some red and white so you can make pink.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Failure to Sort the Utensils

The knives go in the knife slot. The teaspoons go in the teaspoon slot. The tablespoons go in the tablespoon slot. The dinner forks go in the dinner fork slot. Guess where the salad forks go.

Monday, February 1, 2010

When The Light Switch is Up but the Lights are Off

The switch is up (or depressed); the circuit is closed; the lights are on.

The switch is down (or out); the circuit is open; the lights are off.