Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Rube Goldberg's Software

Was this overly complex design really necessary? Or did you just think that introducing abstraction qua abstraction would eliminate inefficiencies just by being abstract?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Leftover Time on the Microwave

Couldn't wait for the microwave to finish the last 2 seconds, could you? Had to open the door before the timer went off, didn't you?


I can live with that.

But leaving those seconds left on the timer, when you could clear them? That drives me nuts.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

Whoever named Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder was either being witty or obtuse, as it is an attempt to restore order to the world.

Friday, March 26, 2010


Socially speaking, it's just fine and dandy, and a great way to reconnect with those people you've not spoken to in years.

Technically, it's a steaming pile of dog turds.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Recurrent Windows Notification Pop-Ups

a sample notification pop-up. This one reads: A new program is available that will begin installation in 10 hours 40 minutes.

One minute later: "A new program is available that will begin installation in 10 hours 39 minutes."

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Expectation that Electronic Mail is a Real-Time Communications Medium

Let me get this straight.

Instead of simply calling me about this urgent request, you had to fax it, e-mail it, send me an instant message, and post an update on my Facebook wall. And then you had the nerve to call me to see if I had finished it yet?

Guess what: I just moved your e-mail to the bottom of the pile. I'll get to it when I can.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Outlook Calendar

It's not quite fair to devote an entire category of complaints to products made by Microsoft, so I won't, but they are SO ANNOYING. Nor would it be correct to lump all of the products or features into a single post, since they are SO ANNOYING in such specific ways.

I have trouble referring to Microsoft Outlook as anything but Ouchlook. This moment's annoyance is a peculiar feature of the Ouchlook calendar:

Click on "day" to view a single day. It shows Monday. WTF? I don't want to see Monday, I want to see today.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Fog Lights

Let me guess: No one ever told you the reason they are called fog lights.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Braking in the Curve

If you can't take the curves, get out of my lane.

(By the way, here's a hint: follow the line in the direction you're turning. That is, if you're turning left, keep your eye on the line to your left, and vice versa.)

Friday, March 19, 2010

Overly Familiar Bulk Mail

William --

I wanted to take a moment to thank you directly for the outstanding work you've been doing as part of Organizing for America's Final March for Reform. I can tell you that your voice is heard in Washington every day. I see how your efforts are moving us toward victory.


Thank you for making it possible,

President Barack Obama

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Inappropriate Toilet Usage

The toilet is for waste matter, in liquid or solid form, resulting from consumption of food and beverages. Other liquids, such as water, may be disposed of in the toilet if they will not harm the septic or sewer systems.

It is not for Popsicle sticks, Legos, golfballs, baseballs, small furry animals*, G. I. Joe, dust bunnies, or the giant pile of hair recently pulled from your brush.

* goldfish are permitted

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Falling Asleep on the Couch

I will be working late -- perhaps reading e-mail or documentation, or writing scripts. I'll be in my accustomed spot on the right side of the couch with the laptop warming my lap. Perhaps I might even be making progress. Then as soon as I have to wait for longer than 30 seconds, I fall fast asleep.

Because I was working late, on the couch, when I should have stopped hours ago and gone to bed.

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Sound of the Fan in My Laptop

I can hear you!

The fan is louder than my dishwasher, than my refrigerator, than the incessant hum from the cathode-ray tube in the television set -- and almost louder than my children.

Sunday, March 14, 2010


Daylight Saving Time does nothing of the sort.

Note: This post was scheduled to be published at the change of the clock. Blogger says,
Because of a daylight savings time shift on the date entered, the time entered does not exist.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Leaky Faucets

You left the bathroom water dripping Sylvia
Into the sink it's drip, drip, dripping Sylvia
It's so annoying all that dripping Sylvia
Go turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

The bathroom sink is overflowing Sylvia
Because the dripping keeps on going Sylvia
It will not stop the drip and drop we'll need a mop
Go turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

Oh Sylvia the situation's such a pain
The water keeps on dripping and the problem here is very plain
The drops won't all fit down the drain

The house is getting irrigated Sylvia
And I am getting irritated Sylvia
I see it pour down on the floor and out the door
Go turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

The water's running down the street oh Sylvia
It's soaking everybody's feet oh Sylvia
The mess you're making is complete so Sylvia
Go turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

The city's flooded it's all wet dear Sylvia
The citizen's are quite upset here Sylvia
The future's grim our chances slim we'll have to swim,
Please turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

Oh Sylvia the situation's looking dark
The water keeps on dripping our new next door neighbor is a shark
We better call up Noah's ark

The whole wide world is underwater Sylvia
I just ran into Neptune's daughter Sylvia
And all the fish go splash and splish I really wish
You'd turn the water off and stop the drip, drip, dripping Sylvia

Lyrics: Richard Perlmutter
Music: Pizzicato from the Ballet Sylvia by Delibes
© 2002 Radio Play Music, ASCAP

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Wet Sponges in the Sink

That cold, wet sponge lying in the sink harbors bacteria. Not only do I have to pick it up, and squeeze it out, but do you really want me to wash the dishes with it?

Having to Clear the Table Before Setting It

Couldn't do that after the meal was over, eh?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Unread Message Counts

Yes, I know I haven't read it all. No, I'm not going to get to it this week. I probably won't get to it NEXT YEAR. Have you seen the giant pile of books next to my bed?

Seriously, I don't need the computer telling me that I haven't read 90% of the Internet. Just get rid of the unread count. Thanks.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Friday, March 5, 2010

Missing Basic Research Skills

Perhaps the libraries should teach people how to use dig, whois, ping, traceroute, and Google in addition to showing them how to find things in the card catalog.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Shared Printers

Don't just leave the printed output on the table next to the printer, jackass: Put it with the rest of my printouts. And if you're going to bother using the sorter on the wall, take a few seconds more to actually sort it.

Didn't you guys learn how to sort in kindergarten?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Mixing Waste and Recyclables

You're thinking, "Aw, that's sweet; he cares about the environment."

No, I just can't stand picking trash out of the box of recyclables. Not only do my hands get dirty, but it takes longer to put the trash out.

Just put the trash in the trash can, and not the recycling bin.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Predicting the Future

"When will you have it done?"

It will be done when it's done.


Later. Stop asking me.

Monday, March 1, 2010