Opting Out

I don't want it. Stop asking me to opt out. Change your default to ask me to opt in. Better yet, don't even ask; I still won't want it. If I did, I'd come to you.

Vox Machina

I don't listen to computer-generated voices. Your interactive voice response system is just wasting your cycles and mine.

No, really, I don't listen to them. If you want me to pay attention, put a human on the phone.

Thanks for the Option!

If you piss me off, I'll use the toll-free phone number every time.

Less Than Absorbent Towels

Towels have a purpose: to dry things. If the towel doesn't absorb liquids, I might as well just use it to wipe my ass.

E-Mail from the Future

Holy crap, Microsoft, have you never heard of anyone exchanging e-mails with someone in another [multiple expletives] time zone?

Was it just OH SO DIFFICULT to record the time zone in the e-mail headers?

I can see that your research budget isn't helping to resolve any real problems.

From: 
Sent: Wednesday, May 26, 2010 3:16 AM

From: 
Sent: Wednesday, May 26, 2010 12:07 PM

From: 
Sent: Wednesday, May 26, 2010 9:26 AM

From: 
Sent: Tuesday, May 25, 2010 8:47 PM

From: 
Sent: Wednesday, May 26, 2010 9:10 AM

Over-Sized Utensils

I'm not a giant. The teaspoon should hold a teaspoon measure, not a tablespoon's; and the tablespoon should hold a tablespoon measure, not four of them.

Taking the Hard Way Out

Oh Outlook, you provide such fertile ground for hate.

It was so much easier to throw up a modal dialog box then to simply close the window wasn't it?

Rube Goldberg's Software

Was this overly complex design really necessary? Or did you just think that introducing abstraction qua abstraction would eliminate inefficiencies just by being abstract?

Facebook

Socially speaking, it's just fine and dandy, and a great way to reconnect with those people you've not spoken to in years.

Technically, it's a steaming pile of dog turds.

Recurrent Windows Notification Pop-Ups

One minute later: "A new program is available that will begin installation in 10 hours 39 minutes."

The Expectation that Electronic Mail is a Real-Time Communications Medium

Let me get this straight.

Instead of simply calling me about this urgent request, you had to fax it, e-mail it, send me an instant message, and post an update on my Facebook wall. And then you had the nerve to call me to see if I had finished it yet?

Guess what: I just moved your e-mail to the bottom of the pile. I'll get to it when I can.

The Outlook Calendar

It's not quite fair to devote an entire category of complaints to products made by Microsoft, so I won't, but they are SO ANNOYING. Nor would it be correct to lump all of the products or features into a single post, since they are SO ANNOYING in such specific ways.

I have trouble referring to Microsoft Outlook as anything but Ouchlook. This moment's annoyance is a peculiar feature of the Ouchlook calendar:

Click on "day" to view a single day. It shows Monday. WTF? I don't want to see Monday, I want to see today.

Idiots.

Overly Familiar Bulk Mail

William --

I wanted to take a moment to thank you directly for the outstanding work you've been doing as part of Organizing for America's Final March for Reform. I can tell you that your voice is heard in Washington every day. I see how your efforts are moving us toward victory.

....

Thank you for making it possible,

President Barack Obama

The Sound of the Fan in My Laptop

I can hear you!

The fan is louder than my dishwasher, than my refrigerator, than the incessant hum from the cathode-ray tube in the television set -- and almost louder than my children.

Unread Message Counts

Yes, I know I haven't read it all. No, I'm not going to get to it this week. I probably won't get to it NEXT YEAR. Have you seen the giant pile of books next to my bed?

Seriously, I don't need the computer telling me that I haven't read 90% of the Internet. Just get rid of the unread count. Thanks.

Poorly Lit Cinematography

If I wanted to watch a film of a dark room, I'd turn off the TV.

I'm [insert name], and Windows 7 was my idea

Dear Microsoft Marketing Department:

You do realize how insulting it is to learn that Microsoft listened to That Person when we have ALL been telling you for YEARS that your operating systems suck, especially when they got a free vacation and we didn't.

Just thought you'd like to know that you're turning up the hate a notch.

Best regards,

Der Blinken Polizei Lights

I'm blinded! Where's the road? crash

Some underwriter needs to compare fatalities due to rubber-necking before the use of L.E.D. lights on police cars with those after.

Spam

There's nothing wrong with spam that judicious use of thermonuclear weapons couldn't cure.

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Get out of my way, you annoying gnat. Where's the bug spray?